Bugs
Thank you to Patty McCormack for signing this photo from “Bug” (1975) as the definitive photo for this directory entry. And we’re off!
CELEBRITIES WHO BUG
When I was first discussing the idea of this blog with my friend Ha, he said, “Don’t you dare say anything bad about Ariana Grande because us Arianators will COME for you!!” (The same goes for The Beyhive, Swifties, Little Monsters, etc.) My promise is that I will not write anything malicious, cruel, or physically shaming – but I WILL be honest if I had an unpleasant encounter. And I will also be honest about celebrities who Bug me. For those of you with disagreeing opinions, please feel free to write a letter to the publisher.
Just to be clear: For the list below I’m talking about these performers ’ WORK, public PERSONA and/or their FICTIONAL characters, which may or may not be tainted by a negative encounter and/or my opinion on their signature. And (in rare cases) possibly personal life choices. I’m only human.
Here comes the Bugs, here comes the Bugs …
BILLY CRYSTAL AUTOGRAPH
Billy Crystal – “I Hate It When HE Happens” I used to love watching the Academy Awards back in the day when they were more spontaneous and fun. But I dreaded the fact that I couldn't fast forward through host Billy Crystal (NINE TIMES!!) because it was live TV. Bugs bugs bugs bugs. I know I’m in the minority, but his voice, facial expressions, and comedy are not for me. Mix in Meg Ryan and bring me the Raid.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER AUTOGRAPH
Sarah Jessica Parker - Everybody was loving and watching “Sex in the City” and gays were asking each other which character they identified with. Of course, most said Samantha. But my disdain for Carrie Bradshaw's character, her ridiculous outfits, her neuroses, and self-absorption ruined any appreciation that I had for Sarah Jessica Parker before that. And then of course there was the feud with beloved Kim Cattrall – who speaks truth. “I just wished that Sarah had been nicer …”
JUNE ALLYSON AUTOGRAPH
June Allyson - Watching her is the equivalent of an insulin spike, no matter what role. Her kind of MGM screen sweetness gives me cavities! The cherry on top of the bug factor? “Miss Depends” was using a secretary to sign almost all her autographs through the mail. Who would’ve thunk Miss Sweetness and Light was duping her fans? Aww.
VAN JOHNSON AUTOGRAPH
Van Johnson - His earnestness and “boy-next-door” charm, especially when combined with June Allyson, can put a person into a diabetic coma. He gets a bit of a rainbow Hall Pass because he was able to keep his personal life truly private. Except there was no fooling Ed Wynn, the father of Van’s “best friend”, Keenan Wynn. He said the best quote about their fluid sexuality.
I’ve got a mix of authentic and fake Van Johnson autographs as you’ll see here. The one I find truly interesting is the original photo that I have which was used for a magazine layout and has the cropped area and all the re-touching that would be done for the published photo. I’m sure he was a nice guy in real life and a survivor who suffered multiple facial scars and a metal plate in his head from a serious car accident. You see, I can like THE PERSON, but not their material.
Sap alert … Van Johnson doesn’t know where to put his hand when dancing. Cute or uhh?
LENA DUNHAM AUTOGRAPH
Lena’s 2026 book “Famesick” is about how everybody piled on her when “Girls” took off. The internet blew up trolling her on her looks, her weight, etc. Like Sarah Jessica Parker on SATC, it was her CHARACTER in “Girls” that really bugged me. Not the way that she looked on/off-screen or her personality in real life. I watched “Girls” because I loved other characters like Adam Driver, Allison Williams, and “Hannah’s” father, played by Peter Scolari. But Lena’s character name Hannah Horvath was too obvious of a setup for a derogatory rhyme – and her whiny self-absorbed character (as well as Zosia Mamet’s) were grating to me. I’ve heard that Lena IS mostly accommodating to autograph collectors, but I’m NOT a fan of the two squiggly line signatures. This signed book with a ticket from her appearance her in San Francisco was a Goodwill find for $2.99. That’s $1.50 per dashed line. Ok.
RAY MILLAND AUTOGRAPH
Marlene Dietrich was so irritated with Ray Milland during the filming of “Golden Earrings” that she supposedly sucked the head of the fish and spit an eyeball out because she thought him a bit of a baby regarding filming conditions. She basically thought he was weak in general. He may have won an Oscar as a drunk, but I never understood his leading man appeal. Or his acting; alternating between projecting superiority, discomfort, or superciliousness in his roles. I'm with Marlene in her "Raymond" opinion. Check this clip - the romantic scenes = acting; the contentious scenes = real life.
Oh – and proof that my Bugs attitude is long seated, here’s a review that I wrote on IMDb in 2000 about “A Life of Her Own” with Lana Turner and Ray Milland. Watch the movie (if you must) for Ann Dvorak and to see Lana’s changing curls and chins.
WOODY ALLEN AUTOGRAPHS TTM - MOSTLY SECRETARIAL
Woody Allen - I walked out of Annie Hall, I hated it so much. Somebody tried to show me “Bananas” a long time ago and I said, “Turn it off!”. There was an early bit of him doing comedy on Carson or Ed Sullivan and I couldn't fast forward quickly enough. I could never stand looking at or listening to this man on screen. Never. His characters are not funny to me; they are just whiny, unappealing, and sometimes kinda creepy. I thought all of this for YEARS even BEFORE the scandal. And I do believe Dylan. As does her brother, Ronan Farrow (I have no idea why he would ditch the name Satchel and the surname Allen … mmm hmmm).
As for his autographs, I’ve purchased so many collections that included a Woody Allen as you can see from the glut shown here. Every single one has been signed by a secretary. Woody’s real signature is always less complete for both the Woody and the Allen. If you can read every letter and the O’s are connected or looped, you’ve got a fake.
SARAH SILVERMAN AUTOGRAPH
What's so funny? I don’t get her humor. I’m sure it’s just me. Or not. AI told me it’s NOT just me. So there. The autograph has a COA sticker. Meaningless. I think it’s POSSIBLY a quick street signature or more likely an outright forgery. Guess how much I care.
LARRY KING AUTOGRAPH
No need to mention the 8 marriages or the time Trump told Larry he had bad breath. Oops, just did. But the real irritant is that Larry King asked some of the most asinine questions of his guests and often didn't even bother to do basic homework. The legendary clip with Jerry Seinfeld sums it up perfectly.
The signed “Tell It to the King” book was a find for $3.75 Community Thrift. The mug shot is just funny to me; Larry King was arrested (but not convicted) of larceny/passing bad checks. C’mon …
ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY AND HER FATHER ROBERT: IT’S COMPLICATED
Robert Montgomery made movies with Garbo, Shearer, and Crawford. He was an MGM leading player and had some fantastic photos taken (by the best photographers like Hurrell); natch. Watching him onscreen though? Yawn. He’s not my cup of tea. For me, his best work wasn’t on film; it was being the father of Elizabeth Montgomery. His co-stars had a few things to say about Montgomery’s attitude and pomp. And daughter Elizabeth herself said that she had a tension-filled relationship with him, calling him her most severe critic and noting his strict and cold demeanor. That demeanor, along with an element of smugness, is what I have seen when I've watched him on screen. Elizabeth Montgomery's fourth husband, Robert Foxworth, noted that the father/daughter tension was so palpable that when Robert Montgomery saw Elizabeth play Lizzie Borden—gleefully killing her father on screen—he reportedly told her, "Well, you finally got me." If only.
ROBERT MONTGOMERY AUTOGRAPH
I have two vintage 5x7’s “autographed” by Robert Montgomery (about $20 ea – from collections purchased). The one with “Sincerely yours” in upper right is a studio stamp; the stamp is exactly the same on multiple photos. The other, with “All good wishes” is written in pen. Although you will see many of the same photos inscribed identically, each one has a different variance of letter size, placement of “all good wishes” and the underline. They could possibly be authentic, especially since they were from a later part of his career – and they do match his true signature. However, those studio secretaries were so damn good sometimes.
JERRY LEWIS – A PREDATOR & AN UNPLEASANT MAN
They say he’s a genius in France. He was big box office for quite a while. He hosted the Muscular Dystrophy telethons. What a wonderful, funny, giving man. Unless you ask a lot of the women he worked with. There is a multitude of videos, biographies, anecdotes and carefully worded “tributes” wherein it is clear that Jerry Lewis was an a-hole. Here’s a Vanity Fair produced short about creepy Jerry:
I never got his goofy onscreen humor. It’s just stupid, face-making to me. I’ve fast forwarded through the few films of his that I’ve seen, mainly just to watch Dean or the female leads. He was already “meh” in my mind. And then I met him.
JERRY LEWIS IN-PERSON AUTOGRAPH
He was at the stage door after “Damn Yankees” in (1995) and was signing a few autographs. He signed the great 8x10 that I had for him (I think HE had the red pen), but when I was looking at the pen and photo, he held the pen above the photo, waited for me to look at him and then sneered like he wasn’t going to sign. But he did. Then I pulled out the “Cinderfella” photo already signed by Anna Maria Alberghetti and he said “No. You already got one.” When I first posted this video, I got flak from a Jerry Lewis fan. IDC.
The good and unexpected news about my encounter with Jerry is that I saw a woman walk furtively out the stage door past the crowd and I followed her. It was Joey Heatherton! (Covered separately; yes, I got her autograph)
JERRY LEWIS AUTOGRAPHS TTM - MOSTLY SECRETARIAL
You’ll see that I got a “personalized response” from Jerry when I wrote to him in 1980. His film company sent me the inscribed 5x7; but it’s secretarial. I’ve got a nice vintage 5x7 of a young Jerry in my collection which is a great photo, but with an autopen signature. Almost all of those “clown” pictures and autographed photos of a smiling or goof Jerry that are being sold as authentic on eBay (or in private collections) are mostly secretarial. He used secretaries for the bulk of his career for TTM requests. AND I wouldn’t be surprised if the cost wasn’t partially paid for by the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Compare the J/E and the end of Lewis from what I got in person vs. everything else. Those are the tells. Jerry’s authentic J usually does not have a wide bottom circle loop and it goes directly into the E. Secretarials have a pregnant circle bump at the bottom of the J and the e is clearly separated from the J.
Even when I met Stella Stevens for a showing of “The Nutty Professor” at The Castro in July of 1996 she said, “These have been hand signed by Jerry”. But alas, me thinks not.
BOB CUMMINGS AUTOGRAPH
Alfred Hitchcock worked with him twice. He referred to Bob as “a competent performer” that belonged in the “light-comedy class of actors”, but that he lacked the gravitas to carry a suspense film. (The studio did the casting). Hitch was not pleased with the final product of “Saboteur” (me neither; yawnsville). Hitchcock also said Cummings had an “amusing face”. Yeah. As Valerie Cherish would say “I don’t need to SEE that!!!”. I’ll give him this, though – Bob Cummings had a beautiful autograph. We don’t see penmanship like that with today’s “stars”.
ROBERT CUMMINGS AUTOGRAPH
Note that I have a few autographs signed Robert Cummings and others signed Bob Cummings. When he was doing a lot of film work, he was professionally billed as Robert Cummings. His later TV career made Bob Cummings a household name. The vintage 5x7 where he so darkly lit (why? Hmmm) is hand-signed in white ink but I strongly suspect it may be a studio secretarial. On the back it is noted “THIS PHOTO AUTOGRAPHED TO YOU PERSONALY BY ROBERT CUMMINGS”. But is it really? You’ll also note there’s a mailing address where you can send $.25 for an 8x10 and $1.00 for an 11x14. Yowsah!
MAURY POVICH AUTOGRAPH
The KING of bad taste TV. All those stupid paternity reveals, and then he moved on to transgender reveals in a very unkind way, phobia exploitation and extreme boot-camp treatment on-camera for out-of-control teenagers. His long-term pattern of weaponizing real psychological stress over marginalized communities, makes him a total douchelord in my book. I’m not a fan of his often condescending and disdainful wife Connie Chung, either.
I’ll let somebody else sum up, Maury. Here is a review on Goodreads on Maury’s book: “Once upon a time, many years ago, I worked for "A Current Affair" and Maury Povich. It took me about an hour to zip through (his book) and wow, what a loss of an hour.
Working for "A Current Affair" was one of the worst, most hateful, most soul crushing experiences of my life. I thought it was awful. I thought Maury was awful. I think the book is awful.”
The $10 signed index card in my collection was $9.99 too much.
REX HARRISON IN-PERSON AUTOGRAPH
Arrogant, filled with ego, short-tempered, difficult … there’s no shortage of Rex Harrison stories. Even “Moses” (Charlton Heston) said he was “thorny”. He treated both Julie Andrews and Audrey Hepburn badly; made racist, and antisemitic comments about Geoffrey Holder and Anthony Newley. The list goes on and on. It seems like EVERY biography I read that includes a Rex Harrison story might as well be listed in the index as “ASSHOLE”. And let’s not forget how he treated the women in his life Lili Palmer, Carole Landis, Kay Kendall, and Rachel Roberts. It seems he was POSSIBLY “kind” to only one of them (Kay). Towards the other three, he was mercilessly heartless – serial cheating on Palmer, mean to Carole and Rachel who both committed suicide. Even Garbo was said to be a bit peeved by his behavior (but she enjoyed being his guest on yachts and villas). Sexy Rexy? Naw. Just a dick.
And for me personally, it’s just a fact that I do NOT love him in “My Fair Lady” or “Dr. Dolittle” and he’s absolutely grating in “Anna and the King”. Rex Harrison does hold the distinction with me though of being the first movie star (along with co-star Claudette Colbert – covered separately) that I met in person. They were appearing in “The Kingfisher” at the Curran Theater in 1981. Rex played the star role to the hilt while signing my autographs in his limo! Here’s my story-
CELESTE HOLM AUTOGRAPH
Let’s close with a real-life “Karen”. Celeste Holm’s most famous role is arguably Karen Richards in “All About Eve”. I always thought she was icy and off-putting. Apparently, I’m far from the only one. According to multiple biographies Celeste was irritating as fuck and raised the ire of Rodgers & Hammerstein “highly strung and overly demanding”, Norman Lear “exceedingly difficult to work with”, Bette Davis and Gary Merrill “such a POLITE bitch” and even Gregory Peck – who wouldn’t comment on her – but she said, “he was no fun to work with”. Really, Celeste? Perhaps it was the other way around?
Also let’s not forget that she was so pushy with Darryl Zanuck for a raise after an Oscar win in “Gentleman’s Agreement” and her nomination in “All About Eve” that not only denied her raise request, but he also dropped her from 20th Century Fox, and he actively blacklisted her. Look at her credits. She didn’t do a movie until FIVE YEARS after Eve. That’s what bitchiness will get you.
Let’s watch Celeste be on the RECEIVING end of bitchiness as Ann Baxter knocks her down a notch or two (Anne was fire!)
And then there’s the personal story from an actress friend of mine who worked with Celeste onstage in the 70’s. Celeste’s son was attracted to the young actress, but Celeste informed her “I wouldn’t let my son touch you with a ten-foot pole.” Ohhhhhh….that’s charming.
Hollywood lore also has Celeste Holm arriving DURING Susan Hayward’s going-away party, before replacing her, in the 1969 production of “Mame”. Susan was so irked by Celeste’s “big entrance” that she supposedly wrote “Celeste WHOM?” on the dressing room mirror in lipstick. Probably apocryphal, but it is pretty funny.
Celeste Holm was pretty good with signing autographs through the mail. Often noting with thanks from UNICEF on the photo if you sent her money. At least the remote Ice Queen was charitable. Good for the image, ya know.
WHY KEEP AUTOGRAPHS FROM CELEBRITIES THAT BUG YOU?
So why do I have and keep these autographs if they bug me so much? Many reasons. Primarily as a resource for other collectors to see the autographs (real and fake). In the case of June Allyson and Jerry Lewis TTM, these are memories from my teenage years of beginning my collection. Meeting Rex Harrison and Jerry Lewis in person made for some damn good storytelling! Most of the other autographs were bought in collections, found for cheap or bought in a Thrift Store. Some are Hollywood legends, even though I personally don’t like their work. Maybe someday Sarah Silverman and Billy Crystal will play truly funny characters in a movie where they kidnap Maury Povich and publicly ask Sarah Jessica Parker to pay the ransom. Then I might like them all!!!
