REAL HOUSEWIVES

Nope you will NOT find me at Bravocon. You can read under his name about my opinions and autographs of Andy Cohen, so there’s that. Plus, Bravo and most of its shows have become (IMNSHO) trifling pieces of scripted fluff with cast members that are either young and pretty or older and looking like Muppets. All of them spewing a hopeful one-liner, hatred and seeds of greed or malcontent.

But don’t get me wrong … in the beginning, I was like everybody else. Starting with Orange County and picking favorites (Jeanna Keough) and villains (Vicky Gunvalson) and then onto Beverly Hills, New York, New Jersey and a few quick dips into Atlanta and Potomac. But here we will focus on the Housewives autographs in my collection and my Countess Encounters … in no particular order. You know how “stars” can be about billing (or whether their chair is closest to Andy on WWHL).

BETHENNY FRANKEL – “Go to sleep!” This ballsy woman is one of my absolute favorites. Her chutzpah, frankness (pun intended), in your face “all my effs are on vacation” opinions, business savvy and her speaking uncomfortable truths ALL resonate with me. I was a huge fan when she was on RHONY, “Bethenny Ever After” and even her daytime talk show. (Sorry, but ixnay on “Bethenny and Fredrik” (Englund aka Tag Ericsson) the 100%-grates-on-my-nerves-untalented-porn-star-for-a-week …ugggh.

I rooted for Bethenny when she lived in her small apartment and tried to sell those home-made cookies, was totally on her side with most things (still am) and embraced her go-get-it neuroses and unfiltered way of talking to people. I adored her on “Bethenny Ever After” when she had shy guy, Nick, who was not a camera-ho show her around the food trucks of New York. I applauded her when she sold her Skinny Girl line and became a TRULY wealthy “Housewife” (I think most are in debt). I made a point of watching her talk-show and I liked it, but I had a feeling and was hoping that the manic energy wouldn’t implode. Even currently I am Team Bethenny and I think she has some valid points in her vocal opinions on how “reality stars” should get paid residuals. She is one smart “Cookie” (R.I.P.)

“A Place of Yes” is her 4th book and I found an autographed copy at a Goodwill for $2.99. One of the articles in my blog describes how I won’t even ask for an autograph or go to a meet-and-greet or book signing if the celeb has a deplorable signature (Lena Dunham, Chelsea Handler). Bethenny’s “autograph” is interesting, indicative of her hurried DGAF nature and I got one in my collection. That’s all I got to say about the signature. Love you, B.

TERESA GIUDICE

I would really like to know what goes on in her brain. And it would be nice to have a list of the hypothetically missing parts. Because IMO her logic, (and she DOES think she has some), was either misassembled or is simply lacking a part (allegedly). But perhaps if she really did have some logic and self-awareness, then she wouldn't be so watchable to her fans.  

(Hypothetically) Teresa would feasibly cling to her version that the Titanic never “sanken” and stubbornly demand an apology for just about anything SHE has done wrong TO somebody else.  These traits are the "ingredientses" to her success. Facts, receipts, knowledge of spelling, word definition and math are all dismissed. Don’t get me wrong though; many people love The Scarecrow in “The Wizard of Oz”.

Yes, the "prostitution whore" table flip WAS iconic.  I wonder if she would possibly inscribe that to me on an autograph? Hmmm... I'll get back to you on that.

Here’s Teresa’s favorite song: https://www.bobbyatgloss.com/audio-collection/on-display

GARCELLE BEAUVAIS

I’d only seen a couple of seasons with Garcelle before I tuned out Bravo entirely. I think her relationship with her sons is beautiful and that her being a good mother is what I get most out of her appearances. Otherwise, I feel that she is mostly logical and reasonable, not always here for it when it comes to the catfights, but not meek either. Perhaps Garcelle is looking at RHOBH as simply another job. And I’m not hating on that. Beautiful 8x10 shown here with a really nice signature.

DENISE RICHARDS

Ok. This one. Let’s unpack. The movie roles. The ex-husband. The current husband. The tequila. The Bravo-Bravo-Bravo. The daughter on OF. Denise on OF. Fluid sexuality? Cease and desist. Money problems? What does your husband really do again? We have questions. And Denise Richards provides NO CLEAR ANSWERS.

BUT … she was a legitimate “star” before RHOBH came along. She knows how to give good camera. And she knows that no clear answers, off-screen shenanigans, murky waters, possible fluidity, and questionable behavior are good TV and nobody’s business IRL. It’s just fodder for the millions of viewers when she chooses to participate and get paid.

Denise is a Bond girl, in “Wild Things”, “Drop Dead Gorgeous”, etc. but perhaps some of her best acting work might possibly be on RHOBH. She’s fun to watch. I loved when she was fighting with Camille “Box of Rocks” Grammer.

As for Denise’s autograph – it’s all over the place. Hard to authenticate because she signs a couple of different ways in person. I’m pretty confident that the lace black bra photo is authentic, because it matches her in-person rushed signature. The B&W closeup and the wet dress photos are questionable, but maybe? But I’m pretty sure that the photo shown with 4 index cards all contain secretarial signatures.

KIM RICHARDS

I don’t care what anybody says, how she comes across on RHOBH or what rumors (or facts) about her personal life are dissected by the press or public. I LOVE KIM RICHARDS! I grew up seeing her in so many things, I felt like I knew her when I was a young boy and teenager. So back off! I’ll build on a separate entry for Kim specifically, but here’s a Housewives picture that I had her sign when I met her in 2016 ($130 for her to sign three photos and a photo op)

KIM FIELDS

Another childhood Kim that I “grew up with”. I was tuned out of Bravo by the time she was on, but I heard that she was having none of it on Real Housewives. I don’t think she realized what she signed up for when she did a brief stint on RHOA. We’ll talk about “Facts of Life” and Tootie separately, but here’s a Real Housewives shot matched up with her autograph.

EILEEN DAVIDSON

Before writing this, I had to look in my files for her husband, because I knew in the back of my mind that I had this teen idol photo of Vincent Van Patten somewhere and perhaps it was autographed. Damn, no. It was just a pic in my “V” file – shown here along with Eileen and her autograph.

Does the paragraph above tell you what I think about Eileen Davidson? Perhaps.

I think her RHOBH appearances are safe with a side of spice; kinda like her real life. The tepid being her long-time status as a working soap opera actress and the spice being her marriage to Vincent Van Patten (they’re both still great looking people) which supposedly started platonically when they were on the “Young and Restless” together – each married to other people. Mmmmm-hmmmm.

On RHOBH, Eileen is likeable, but a bit bland and in my perception, she was always acutely aware of how she was being perceived and carefully monitoring her image over and above the engagement of drama on the show. Interesting balancing act, enviable home life, but not the most exciting housewife to enter the realm. By a long shot. But please don’t get me wrong. I respect her longevity as an actress and her RHOBH veil. Check please.

LISA RINNA

Rinna! If Joan Rivers was alive today, she’d have a 20-minute “Can we talk?” segment about Rinna. This pinwheel pincushion of a celebrity personality is so many things. Wrong in so many ways; right in (a few) others. Finger-pointing shit-talking, rabbit giving, fake crying. Cringe. But “wait did she really just ….???” … I need to re-watch that. Cringe again. The minimal eating combined with drinking when you weigh less than a buck, the purposeful shit stirrer, the Instagram dancing videos, the ever-changing loyalties, the spiteful one-liners or tea-spilling. Plus, those “famous”? lips and her ever evolving face can be somewhat bizarre but you just must look. The answer to all the above is that she gives zero effs.

She may have had her big break in “Melrose Place”, but RHOBH was the nighttime soap opera where she has REALLY shined. She knew there had to be backstabbing and drama to be kept on the show and be part of a storyline. And why did she leave RHOBH? Yes, I saw the email where she told Bravo she “won’t be renewing my contrract” but was that because there was an agreement for her to do so instead of being fired? The immense amount of fan backlash or what??? IDK the real tea, but here we go on the Rinna-go-round from my perspective.

I didn’t watch “Melrose Place” and only knew of her because of appearing in magazines with those lips when she was one of the first Muppets. It was when she was on Trump’s “Apprentice” and “Apprentice All-Stars” that I became intrigued with this fireball personality. When she joined “RHOBH”, I was definitely interested. She brought some action and drama to the table where it had been lacking. And this was before it seemed too scripted and over the top. I loved her devotion to her mom, Lois and family unit with the serenely productive Harry Hamlin. But when she started to get too mean… I could see the writing on the wall. I applaud her QVC line, her business savvy, and her drive to continually work in whatever arena will pay her. She was fun in the clubhouse on WWHL – as in the show, you just never knew what was going to fly out of her mouth!

COUNTESS LUANN de LESSEPS

The initially perceived model of propriety, correctness, and “class” on RHONY has transitioned into an openly thirsty and lusty DILF with an actual cabaret career. And I need to share my experiences at her live shows and meeting her in a restaurant.

Initially watching LuAnn on RHONY, I can’t say that I was a huge fan. Her insistence on propriety, correcting others and general status awareness seemed like it was really an ingrained part of her true personality. And it was annoying. But I hung in there, because she was a good reactor to the more extreme personalities or situations. When she fell in the bushes drunk in Mexico or denied having sex with the pirate, I could hear Cyndi Lauper singing “True Colors” and I started to really like Luann.

When LuAnn first came to San Francisco, I toyed with the idea of going, but my friends and I kind of dismissed it as a joke. Plus, really didn’t love her songs, so it would be going just to shit-talk and drink. I went out of town during that weekend instead. (P.S. My absolute favorite song from Housewives franchise is Melissa Gorga’s “On Display” – now that’s a perfect song to hear on my playlist while working out in the gym and seeing all the” look-at-me” bunnies.)

Back to LuAnn. It was in summer of 2019 that a friend invited me to join him on a trip to Provincetown. I’d never been to P-Town, he had a lot of friends and events there that we were to attend – and then I saw that LuAnn was performing. This time I got a ticket (my friend was like “I’ll pass”).

Before the show started, I was looking for merch and I saw somebody who was setting up a folding table with a black tablecloth. I asked whether any photos or CD’s would be for sale and she was a bit scattered, answering something like “yes, I think I can go find you one, but you might have to wait until after the show and I’m not sure she’s coming out to greet people”. Ummm. Ok.

Show review: It was cute. We all know that LuAnn is not a great singer, but she DOES know how to wear a gown (JOVANNI!!!), looks great, especially those legs and she has a surprisingly engaging stage presence. It was not a long show and she sang a few other songs including “Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend” (which I loved) in addition to singing over the tracks of her “hits”. And there was a Q&A with the audience, which was also just cute. LuAnn seemed to still be cutting her teeth and honing her show, and I wanted to avoid the crowds leaving, so I darted as her last song wound down. Quickly saw that the table I referred to earlier was still empty and just decided to be on my way.

The next day, I was walking into restaurants trying to pick where to have lunch. And lo and behold, LuAnn and entourage are walking into the same seafood place as me. I waited and watched them get seated and looked around for something to have her sign. There was literally nothing, scannable menus, handhelds for the waiters. No old school ball point pens and paper menus lying around in 2019. But I remembered there was a souvenir store nearby. With my just-purchased Provincetown postcard and pen given to me by the clerk there, I approached LuAnn’s table at the back of the restaurant.

She and three friends were animatedly having a conversation, LuAnn often laughing and throwing her head back, knowing that people were looking her way. I approached the table, came up to the left of LuAnn, introduced myself and said, “I know etiquette dictates that you shouldn’t interrupt people at a restaurant, but your food hasn’t come yet and I want to tell you how much I enjoyed your show”. (A nod to the fact that I watched RHONY and knew she had written a book on etiquette.) She literally looked me up and down with a smile and was very pleasant and gracious, especially when I pointed out that I loved the “Diamonds” part of her show. I presented the postcard and told her that I’d been collecting autographs since the late 70’s starting with greats like Bette Davis, Jimmy Stewart, etc. and that I’d really like add her autograph to my collection.

She was really pleased by this request, gladly took my pen and card. While she started to write, I said can you please sign your full name Countess LuAnn deLesseps. Now THAT she ignored. I said thank you and she reached up to hug me and her friend across the table said, “don’t you want a picture”. Oh yeah, everybody takes selfies with celebs; I forgot. Sure. I handed him my camera, Luann got closer, and he snapped a few, saying what everybody says “I took so many, I’m sure you got a good one in there”. It was a pleasant encounter – and time to eat lunch before the early show of Thirsty Burlington the “Best Cher Impersonator” alive. You know, P-Town.

I’m not through with LuAnn though. I was going to visit a friend in Minneapolis and as per my usual habit when going to any city, I looked up who would be performing while I’m there. Countess LuAnn’ Christmas Show at The Mystic Lake Casino Theater on December 4, 2021. Okay, I’ve just got to see her again; I mean it’s been a few years now and I’m sure the show must have changed. And boy was that an understatement!!!!

My expectation that I’d see the same sort of crowd I’d seen Provincetown coming to LuAnn’s show in Prior Lake was WAYYYYYY off base. I walked in and planted myself against a wall that faced the entrance and watched a flood of what appeared to be REAL Housewives of the Midwest. The entered in groups, dressed in their sparkly finest sweatshirts or cute patterned dress, talking, and giggling and clearly excited. These women were STANS on a way different level than all the men in Provincetown. I watched as they all filled in and noticed that a few had brough their husband or maybe a gay friend, but the crowd was a vast majority of women in groups and they were HERE FOR IT!

The venue seats 2,100 people, it was quickly filling up, even the way upper seats and it seemed to be almost completely sold out. I was like, where am I? This oughtta be good! And it was. I was 3rd row center with prime viewing. The stage was substantially and beautifully decorated, of course there was a piano and a large screen to the right. When LuAnn was introduced and stepped on stage there was a loud roar and rush to their feet as if we were at a rock concert. I looked around in amazement. Is this seriously happening right now?!?!

And I've got to give it to her. The show was much more polished, her stage patter was honed, clever, yet careful to not be abrasive and the song selection had a few that were in her range and sounded good. And she used the video screen wisely and judiciously, just the right amount. To show her videos or making eggs a’la Francais while making costume changes. She looked amazing, glowed with the love being thrown from the audience and clearly was in her element. The Q&A session where staff with microphones were placed in different places throughout the theater just oozed with fanaticism; each starting with something like “I love you LuAnn” I drove from wherever to see you” or “You’re the best housewife in all the franchises”. And the questions were like a Swiftie asking about the meaning of a specific lyric on track 3 side 2 of her first album. I mean, these people WERE INTO IT. And the show was really a lot of fun!

LuAnn had a performance in San Francisco in April 2024 at a beloved North Beach Theater called Bimbos. (HA!) From the time that the pre-sale alert arrived in my inbox to the time I got finished texting my niece to see if she wanted to go, the tickets had sold out. And LuAnn has now added a special $200 (I think) meet and greet upgrade. Talk about leveraging reality TV into a separate income stream!! It’s not class (she already has it), but she knows what money CAN buy and she’s been making more of it. Go, go, LuAnn. And yes, she should be enjoying this time and dating whoever she wants, whether younger or older, whether serious or simply DTF. She deserves it, darling.

DIRECTORY

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