I'm a HUGE fan of football. I mean ... sort of a fan. Ok well honestly, not so much.  But …

I've been to a few 49ers' games AND to a Superbowl.  Not to mention that I dated a football cheerleader/mascot.  So don’t entirely count me out of the huddle.

JOE MONTANA and DWIGHT CLARK – San Francisco 49er heroes.  No, I never met either. Somebody, (totally forget who – if you’re reading this, let me know) got an autograph from Dwight Clark for me and it’s a great beautiful signature.  The legendary Joe Montana was a lucky find in a Thrift Store for $2.99!  Yes, the autographs are authentic.  No, I did not see “The Catch”.  I should know a lot more about the biggest stars of my home team from the 80’s.  But yeah. No.

JOE NAMATH – I love this handsome autographed photo in my collection of young Namath with the Jets.  He was a household name when I was a kid; not only for football, but for being all over the TV waves in general due to his football prowess, photogenic geniality, and overall appeal.  Hands down, for me though, is the Noxzema shaving commercial that he did with Farrah Fawcett in 1973.  I distinctly remember the first time seeing this commercial (I think in my Mom’s apartment on Vienna Street in San Francisco) and my 8-year old baby gay was processing who grabbed my attention more in this commercial.  The handsome white guy or this incredibly unique and sexy blonde?

JIM PLUNKETT – My mom treated me to Superbowl XXI and Disneyland for my 22^nd birthday.  It was at the Orange Bowl and during our hotel stay we had an opportunity to meet Jim Plunkett.  He was a guest speaker at a symposium or something.  All I know for sure is the following:

(1)          Stoned.  Mom was so patient with me, knowing that I was finding places to smoke weed in Disneyland.  Because it is THE WORST PLACE ON EARTH.  I don’t care what anybody says.  With that many children of the corn, friggin’ cosplay-costumes-and princesses everywhere, AND lines, lines, lines (not even the 80’s good lines) I’d rather watch football for 24 hours straight.  Strapped in a chair.  With my eyes held open with clamps like Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange”. 

(2)          When Mom and I walked back to the hotel one early evening there was a red carpet and stanchions and people cheering everybody who entered the hotel, as if they were celebrities, including me and mom.  It must have been a build-your-self-confidence group or something.  But we were DYING laughing, we waved and acknowledged their cheers, and we walked right in. And I was def high.

(3)          Maybe Mom and I were supposed to walk in that banquet room on the red carpet – or maybe not – but we did.  I had no idea who Jim Plunkett was, why he was there or any of his history. But knew he was a famous football player and I had him sign the back of my Super Bowl ticket. That whole trip was one for the books.  Oh yeah, this IS the book! My autobiography as told through autographs.

HERSCHEL WALKER: The photo speaks for itself, Herschel in his prime.  Chiseled. Athletic. Tough.  Even though I know absolutely nothing about his football career. But I did follow him in the political spotlight, running for Georgia Senator.  Between watching his public political statements and stances while simultaneously hearing conflicting facts and rebuttals about those exact same topics in his personal life as related by his family members … I was like “pass the popcorn already”.  Offensive running back, the hand-off, politics. Got it. 

FRED WILLIAMSON – I met Fred at a collector convention in (I think it was in Burbank) and this guy was the best!  Fred had a great sense of humor, also a sense of camp and understanding what the non-football fans were having him sign – in addition to a warm and witty demeanor.  Keep in mind that this was “pre-woke” days, so he gladly signed pix from the Blaxploitation films in which he starred, included one that has the “N word” in its title.  TBH – I think he would still sign these items today – he seems to be just that type of “it was what it was; everybody needs to calm down”.  My banter with him was fun, spontaneous and authentic.  Fred has the distinction of being the FIRST black centerfold in Playgirl magazine.  When I asked him to sign the nude martial arts pose, he said “This here is the money shot, Bobby”.  A gracious, self-deprecating, and humorous man of great distinction.  It was truly my pleasure meeting him and I remember our interaction with a smile.  Just don’t ask me what team he played for.  Here’s a documentary on Fred: The First Black Superhero

DITKA – I know Bupkus about Ditka. But he was in my collection, so here he be.

JIM BROWN – I found a copy of Jim Brown’s signed autobiography for three bucks.  I don’t usually read sports biographies, but I have to say that his is honestly a very well-written and fully fleshed out biography. His book is sometimes problematic and sometimes egotistical, but hey, he was a football legend and movie star (of sorts).  The sections that really caught my interest were his comments about women.  How he liked “16, 17, 18-year-old girls” and that he was a regular at the Playboy mansion.  This overlapped exactly at the time that I was watching “The Secrets of Playboy” documentary.  Because he was called out a few times in the documentary as a serial a brutalist of women.  One mention in the documentary was how he was really hurting a Playmate or model on “the chair” in the grotto.  “The screams”.  HE mentions the grotto in his book. And his predilection for young, tiny women.  It all just matches up too much not to be believed.  Also, Jim Brown had multiple negative write-ups in the press for incidents with women, which he blew off as inaccurate, targeted and/or racist reporting.  One such story was that he thew a girlfriend over his balcony and was arrested.  Please note, as per his book (see the page here), it wasn’t his fault.  It was all because of an incident with one of his girlfriends and her bi-sexual interests in Fran Jeffries when she was visiting his home.  I mean …ummm … ok.  “I slapped her” – but it was because she deserved it, I guess.  Read the page; it's a doozy and says all you need to know about the man's writing style and stance.

To close out: Jim Brown had a (some say contentious – he says romantic/sexual in his book) relationship with Raquel Welch.  Here’s the ever-so-Cavett-esque interview:

FRAN JEFFRIES – When I read this page in his book about Fran, I knew I had her in my collection.  Ironically enough, one of the signed photos is from a Playboy layout. AND … Fran was married to Dick Haymes (who was apparently packin’ – his six wives included Rita Hayworth, Nora Eddington, Fran and Joanne Dru).  Dick and the last 3 wives are covered here under John Ireland (aka Dick) and Errol Flynn. Meanwhile, here’s a clip of Fran performing with Tom Jones (LOVE HIM – and will cover him separately).  Let’s go back to 1969 …

JOE THEISMANN – Yeah, yeah … I know he has a special trophy or award named after him.  But what I REALLY know him from is the lawsuit, where Cathy Lee Crosby sued him for promised support when they broke up.  And the HE counter-sued HER for support.  LOL.  It was settled out of court.

MARK GASTINEAU – Seriously, I’m the worst.  A section on Football Players and I know nothing about these guys UNLESS it’s off the field.  In Gastineau’s case, I only remember that he used to be in the tabloids when he was dating Brigitte Nielsen (they have a kid together) and because of the semi-nude photos that I have in my archives from his layout in Playgirl.

JAMES CAAN – (A.) The autograph is a forgery (B.) He only PLAYED a football player … and, most importantly (C.) “Brian’s Song” was the only movie that I think caused my dad to cry when watching it.  That move will always be special to me. It’s like “Seasons in the Sun”. (More on Rod McKuen separately) 

SUMMATION: For anybody who was expecting me to write about actual football games, players greatest moments or stats – and for all you men who are only looking at the hot pics - Taylor Swift says, “You need to calm down”.  She got her own football otter.

Oh, and any questions about me dating the football cheerleader/mascot? (I’m sure he’ll correct me on what the actual title of his role was) HA!  It’s a fact. I met Kent B. on the dance floor, and he was the first person EVER to match me step-for-step in my manic, frantic unique way and he mirrored every move I did as quickly as I changed them up.  We got along like gangbusters; two Aquarians with so much in common.  With him being part of the cheer or mascot squad (or both, I forget which) and in the ranks of the organization, I was able to see the 49ers in some good seats!  One time, I was sitting near MMA kid star, Ernie Reyes, who was passing out autographed pictures.  (Yes, covered separately in the Van Damme group) 

But more notably, Kent B. had a very good girlfriend from cheer camp that we went to see perform at a small club in San Francisco before she got SUPER FAMOUS.  I’ll fill you in on my encounter with Paula Abdul in her own section.

Kent - if you’re reading this – I still love ya tons, correct me if I got anything wrong above.  And yes, that other guy, was gritta.